My brain has a stupid ability to remember things.
Not good things, otherwise I’d be earning mega bucks, but silly things. I can
still remember my telephone number from when I was 7 years old.
So, I haven't blogged in ages. It's hard to moan about anything when you're insanely happy and it's hard to find the energy to moan when you're desperately sad about something.
2012 has been an absolute bastard of a year. I'm aware people have it worse than I do so I'm not looking for sympathy and pity, I'm just filling my friends in on stuff.
I entered this year completely broken. A serious relationship - involving saying and feeling the 'L' word - had just ended, and my health wasn't at its best. Let's start with health. After a bit of investigation by clever medical people, a growth was found on my ovary. Non-cancerous but aggressive. After months of treatment, which made me feel like I'd been clubbed over the head and left me internally and externally bruised after every session, it had shrunk enough for it to be removed without causing any lasting damage to the organs left behind. I've since had the all-clear so, aside from check-ups every now and then, I'm fine and physically functioning as I should be. Apologies if that's too much information for some of you. I never could do things in an understated way, could I?!
So, to the relationship. Those of you who know me well, know I’m pretty good at being single. But I entered a proper, serious and long-term relationship. I was HAPPY. It was even serious enough to fill Mum in on stuff; she approved and was thrilled I was so settled. The relationship taught me a few things; mostly that I'm the best girlfriend ever! Considerate, able to compromise and non-confrontational. We never argued. If he did something I found a bit 'off', I'd wait and then explain, calmly, why it had upset me. And he understood. It mellowed me out completely. I’m not saying I’m saintly. Cripes, you lot know me better than that! But in my relationship, I was. Until a year ago. So, back to my brain remembering silly dates, though I'd rather it didn't. A year ago, today, I discovered he'd cheated on me. It totally broke me. I always thought people exaggerated when they said they couldn't breathe, but that's actually what it's like. I'd put off my dream travelling plans for this guy, that's how important he was to me. So, I discovered, I wasn't told, that he'd spent two nights with another woman a few days before. My self-worth, self-confidence and self-respect had been taken. Those things aren't given willingly, so they were stolen from me. By two people who'd not even considered me or my feelings for two days.
I couldn’t function socially. Having a job and
going to work was the best thing for me as it was routine and I couldn’t get
out of it. But I was dead behind the eyes for a good few months. I also had a
rage inside of me I couldn’t shake. It wasn’t surface anger so throwing things
and screaming wouldn’t have relieved it. It was a lump of red hot rage that was
sat in my stomach. And I had NO idea how to shift it as it was an alien feeling
that had come from a huge betrayal I’d had no control over. A friend, on New
Year’s Eve, suggested it would be like a “ghost poo”; an invisible thing that
would exit from one of my orifices without leaving a trace. And that’s exactly
what it did a couple of months later. The reason it passed is because I spoke
to various people about it.
I was embarrassed. I mean, when somebody cheats
on you, it must be because you're flawed and have done something wrong, right?
WRONG. I didn't do anything wrong at all. I wasn't needy or clingy and I didn't
drive him away. He put his dick before his relationship, that's what it came
down to. It's taken me a year to put myself back together, mentally and
emotionally. I've been physically broken, most of this year, due to the health
reasons mentioned above, and emotionally broken because of my ex's behaviour.
To blog about such events without feeling sorry for myself, before now, has
been impossible. But I'm back together now. I had a few guys flashing their
Hero Complex around me. You know, the “I’ll fix you!” types. But I wasn’t about
to subject myself to a rebound relationship, let alone do it to somebody else.
I did have a brief relationship with somebody who was lovely, not so long ago,
but that didn’t work out, through no fault of either of us. C’est la vie, as
they say, “they” being the French. I also had tragic news not so long ago as a
friend passed away.
I'm sorry to those of you I've not been in touch
with as much as usual, this year. I've had to be completely selfish in an
effort to stay as sane as possible. And I haven’t even managed that most of the
time!
So, my one and only post of this year is to tell
2012 it can fuck right off! There have been parts of the year that have been
good. But most of it has been a chore. I really don’t mean to sound
melodramatic. And, thanks to friends and family who are very supportive, I’ve
kept my shit together, for the most part, and now have my sparkle back.
As 2013 approaches, I know I’ll be blogging again
as I’m at a point where I can. And I’ve got stuff to moan about!
10pm 6th December 2011 – I was
spinning out and doing everything I could not to throw a glass at his head. A
complete mess.
10pm 6th December 2012 – I will be
painting my nails and prepping for my work Christmas party on Friday. And I
became an Auntie again today so I can remember this date for very different and
happy reasons now.
As Mary J. Blige so eloquently said, NO MORE
DRAMA. x
