Indian female. Long, dark hair. Big, brown eyes. Short. Honey-coloured skin. GSOH. Killer smile. Good cook. (All sound good so far?) Highly-strung. Ah, not sounding so perfect now, am I? There is absolutely no way that trait can ever be seen as a positive quality. And my darling friend, Matt, used to say, "You're not highly-strung or high maintenance. You have class and standards". I fooled myself in the past in thinking it meant I had a different set of standards to other people. These paradigms are expectations I place on myself but sometimes transfer on to others. I'm not quite sure what has made me like this so it mystifies me as much as it does the next person.
I grew up in a Westernised Hindu family in which young, unmarried females are revered; once on a day when Mothers fast for our future good health and also on a day when we are praised and rewarded for being virginal princesses. Both religious days stop being celebrated when a girl reaches her early-twenties and becomes... marriage material. There's also a day every year when the relationship between brothers and sisters is consecrated - sisters tying decorative string around their brothers' wrists, gaining male protection (and presents) for life. Accompanying these celebrations is that I was born a Brahmin, the top-most caste in an archaic, egregious system. Every Hindu and Sikh that exists knows I'm a Brahmin, my surname screams it at you - it actually means "virginal princess" (cut the sniggering at the back, please). So I am a descendant of royalty. And then there's the fact that I grew up as an only child. I was never spoiled materialistically but was, most definitely, the apple of both my parents' eyes. Well, there was nobody to compete with for prime position, was there? Add to all this that I was special on Mum's side of the family as I was the youngest grandchild (for ten years) and on Dad's side as I was the only girl (for thirteen years) and you have yourself a precious madam. So that was my childhood.
I grew up quite quickly. When my parents divorced, my Mum made sure I never felt neglected so took me along whenever she was seeing friends. I went from being a seven year old to being a teenager in the space of a year. By the age of nine, I'd rather have had a conversation with an adult than another child. On first meeting me when I was eight, one of Mum's closest friends stooped down to my height and asked, "What do you want to do when you grow up?". I replied that I wished not to be patronising like her and then continued combing my dolly's hair. It sounds far more precocious than it actually was.
I was brought up believing the world was my oyster. I was never allowed to think that anything I wanted in life was unachievable - my Mum made my motto "When you play, play hard. When you work, don't play at all" (well, it worked for Teddy Roosevelt) and I still live by that now. I give everything 100% whether it be work, love or fucking up - I do all three very spectacularly. Don't misunderstand me, I've never thought myself remarkable though, quite the opposite in fact!
So what are the things that most set me on edge? Firstly, bad timekeeping. I cannot stand when people are late (and it's their fault. I'm forgiving of public transport issues etc). And I find it totally pointless for them to text ten minutes after the meeting time informing me they're running late. I know! I was on time and have been stood in the cold and/or wet waiting for you for those ten minutes! Surely you knew ten minutes before we were supposed to meet that you were running late, why couldn't you let me know then? However, this is a prime example of me transferring my standards on to others. You see, I hate being late. It completely knocks me off kilter and makes me feel like I have to play catch up all day and make up for lost time. So, foolishly, I believe others would feel the same. Apparently they don't. Of which I am envious.
Equally as irritating to me is when people bail on plans with me because something better has come along or when they don't commit 'til the last minute in case something (or someone) better comes along. Though the reason this upsets me is because I'm really looking forward to seeing them and I'd hate to do that to someone else - let them down.
And, I think, here's the real reason I'm highly-strung... I don't want to let anyone down. My friends mean the world to me. The people I choose to spend time with make me feel privileged that they have time to spend with me. I think this comes from being an only child - as the saying goes, "your friends are the family you choose for yourself". As far as friends go, if someone texts me I will reply as soon as I've read it. I always reply - not to have the last word as some may think! - because I'm grateful that someone has taken the time to get in touch as they've thought of me. It's not meant to be an intense gesture although I'm aware it comes across like that sometimes. Also, I get so caught up in things that if I don't respond as soon as I see it then I'll forget. I expect the same back from people. Not necessarily an immediate reply but a response of sorts. Getting in touch with my friends is how I let them know I've thought of them and how I can say I care. It makes me smile inside when I hear from somebody I care about as it means they've thought of me and let me know. Ok, I admit that might be slightly princess behaviour!
According to Mum, I was most definitely more prickly in my late-teens and early-twenties. The pressures of studies and letting my family down resulted in sarcasm and humour becoming my defense mechanisms - classic only-child-from-broken-home symptoms, no?
Over the past few years I've learned some lessons in life, the biggest one being that my strive for perfection - by this, I mean for me to be perfect - is fruitless. There will always be something about myself or my life that displeases me. But I've learned that that's ok. There's a difference between the strive for perfection and ambition.
I've also been taught (the hard way) that some things are out of my control and no matter how much I try, I won't get full control of them. Recently I was in a situation where the other person was more laid back than me. Far more. No matter how hard I pushed for contact or answers, I'd only get them when the other person was ready to give them. And instead of getting het-up by it all, as I once would have, I started to relax a little. I let go. And what I realised was, with letting go comes less anxiety and, sometimes, even composure!
I'm still learning. I still get wound up by silly little things (which infuriates me even more) but that is me and it will most likely always be present in me. A little. And that's ok too.
I'd like to think that most people that know me are accepting of my flaws and love me for my imperfections. I hope the good in me far outweighs my uptight-ness (I really bloody hope it does!). For those reading this who haven't noticed I'm slightly highly-strung (you can't have known me that long!), I hope this is because I'm close to losing that trait. I hope my efforts to be more laid back are paying off and, dare I say it, I'm closer than ever, not to perfection but to contentment. x
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