"We've been told about a boy. He's from a good family." Shit! I didn't think I'd get this hassle today of all days. I'm in the sunny Midlands with my Dad's family, attending a religious housewarming ceremony at my cousin's place. The attention was not supposed to be on me. My cousin and his wife have invited the whole family to their new pad and whilst we're waiting for the pandit (priest) to arrive I feel like I'm in front of a firing squad as my Dad, his three brothers and their wives are giving me my latest lecture on getting married. I can feel the blood rising in my cheeks from the frustration of having to listen whilst biting my tongue, luckily the family put it down to embarrassment as it's a "delicate" matter for an equally as “delicate” girl.
Marriage - the way it works is that you meet somebody, fall in love and get wed, right? In my culture, arranged marriages come in to play so the whole falling in love part gets cut out, quite a crucial stage omitted in the process, I feel. It seems to be deemed, by the Western world, as an out-dated and old-fashioned tradition that has a negative effect on the good Hindu children, especially the females.
Back in the day (my Grandparents' day) it's true that the couple may never have seen each other, let alone met. This seems absurd to us modern folk, eh? Imagine turning up on your wedding day to discover that the person you're legally obliged to spend the rest of your life with is a proper munter?! There was no divorce in those days (still isn't in some of the villages in India) and I don't think "he/she is fugly" is enough of a reason to bring proceedings these days. In my Parents' time it had advanced quite a little and they'd met each other, albeit only a handful of times (ooh, how cutting edge?).
Now, the theory behind arranged marriages is not for the controlling Fathers of the family to set their kids up with the people they deem suitable as some, myself included, would have you believe. (Although some of the Fathers do forget this, including mine.) The purpose behind this custom is that its your family that know you best - They love you unconditionally and have your best interests at heart so they want to ensure the person you spend the rest of your life with is completely suitable. Your family is the unit you turn to during the worst times, the perfect support system, so why shouldn't they fix you up with the person they believe ticks all the boxes and should keep you happy forever more (and has a perfect gene pool to provide grandchildren)?
Over the years the process of arranged marriages has evolved massively to become what it is these days. It has several stages and preparation starts at a young age. The grooming of each gender is different as the expectations on and of boys and girls in the marriage are not the same. When I was in my early teens my Dad told me that I needed to learn to cook, not the dishes Mum had been teaching me for when I moved out to university but good, decent Indian dishes - daals, sabjees and chappatis. (As an act of rebellion I didn't become expert in these until later and enjoyed learning the Western cuisine Mum taught.)
A year or so later, when I started to "ripen", the lectures on family honour started. The "a girl's reputation is all she has in life" line is one of my favourites as it suggests that if a daughter is seen with a member of the opposite sex (not necessarily in a compromising position) not known to the family, she is an embarrassment and the family name is ruined. She has brought shame on the family by this one act, her past behaviour, education and, perhaps most essential, establishing who this guy is are not important. She can be spotted by someone of the family or a family friend (some of whom just love to shit-stir) who will promptly call the parents (and a few friends for gossiping purposes) to rat the girl out. I tell you, every good little Hindu girl should be employed by MI5 - we learn to sneak about unnoticed so we can inconspicuously lose our "honour", avoidance techniques being imperative.
So, fully adult and education finished, the real fun begins. The parents and extended family put word out that they have a daughter who is ripe for the picking and needs to be, erm, picked. And, from nowhere, like some secret underground organisation, family friends that I've never even met are involved in the match-making procedure. They've all done it a thousand times before and relish this stage as it makes them feel important. Whichever family friend sets the couple up gets props forever and extra ladoos at the wedding. Once the community is made aware of the need to keep their ears to the ground for a suitor, the feelers are put out and everyone thinks themselves a rival to Cilla Black as the race is on. Any family that has an unmarried child is told about the new addition to the wedding market. This introduction stage is crucial and there are some fine details that need to be established before the two families are even allowed to meet each other. Factors that must be taken in to consideration include the boy and girl not knowing each other - a passing glimpse at a wedding/party is fine but that's about all the previous contact that's permitted. As parents' friends are treated as siblings to our folks (hence the "Uncleji" and "Auntyji" tags we give them out of respect), the suitor's parents cannot have been bestowed these affectionate names - that's seen as incestuous and therefore wrong. Also, the families cannot come from the same village in India. This is also deemed incestuous as the parents may have met and played together as children, thus bringing about the sibling relationship again.
Once established by Auntyji that the two families have no links whatsoever, she'll let both sides know about the existence of the other. This is when the "he's from a good family" line most gets used. This phrase has my cousins and me in hysterics, mainly because we're not quite sure what it means. We don't know what the definition of a "good" family is as none of us have received our Hindu Marriage Dictionary but we think it means that nothing too major has has harmed the family's name. We have now adapted that phrase so that when one of us uses it, the others know that what we're really trying to say is that a person of the opposite sex is a hottie. (My Aunt, cousins and I were watching tv when Russell Brand came on screen. “He's from a good family”, I told my Aunt whilst my cousins laughed and she bought my description of him, not realising that his well documented past is everything that goes against the Elders' definition.) So, after this is verified, the caste issue is raised. A girl can marry up in caste as once she's married she takes on her husband's name and any children borne of her will be the same caste as the daddy. Boys' families are usually accepting of lower caste girls, as long as they're from "good” families. Girls rarely marry down in caste, they're fathers don't allow it as it would ruin the family name.
Should this part of the process fail for any reason, there are several buffers. One of these "Plan B" options is the wedding websites... yes, they exist, shaadi.com (the matrimonial equivalent of match.com) being a favourite. Have a look, its hilarious. One of my cousins still has his profile on there even though he's been married for five years so he can "see the sad cases that still need fixing up".
The families then meet, usually the boy's family come round to the girl's parent's house to "inspect" them and taste the girl's cooking as a feast is laid on, both sides eager to impress. This can happen with several different boys' families as one side may fail the "inspection", usually for valid reasons but sometimes stupid ones - his dad's tie was funny, her mum walks with a limp, her brother was perving on me and her saag paneer was too salty. The girl's side can sometimes entertain a few families a week. Its intense! If the meeting is successful, the girl and boy exchange numbers so they can text and meet up a couple more times (maybe even unchaperoned!) and then decided if they want to get married. The decision has to be made within a few weeks otherwise the gossip-mill starts, "They met up for two months, you know?! Tut tut". If they do want to go ahead, within weeks a pandit is consulted to ensure that the birth charts are compatible, the engagement takes place and a wedding date is set to within a year of the date they met. It all happens rather quickly which is why the good Hindu boys and girls of the world must be completely sure when they respond positively to the "When are you getting married?" probing. The pressure doesn't ease after the wedding as then the "When are you having children?" demands begin. It's tough being a good Hindu girl, you know?
Don't misunderstand me, I have not responded positively to the marriage pressure, in fact I haven't responded at all but Dad's family are convinced that the incessant badgering will wear me down and eventually I'll give in to their demands, stop the family's name being further tainted (“There's a daughter in that family who's 29 and unmarried. The shame!”) and announce I'm ready to be introduced to a good Brahmin boy who works as a lawyer/accountant/doctor/dentist/in IT. More fool them.
Thankfully, the pandit arrives at my cousin's house, the grown ups being alerted to his presence by his phone ringing - his ring tone is the Hindu equivalent of Ave Maria – and my cousins snigger at the relief on my face as the attention is diverted from me, finally. When I get home Mum asks me how my day was as she knows how awkward spending time with Dad's family is for me. "It was ok. I got the usual questions and lectures."
"How did you respond?"
"I just sat there, pretending to listen whilst I had the song I woke up to on a loop in my head."
"That's my girl." x
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