Don't Look Back In Anger/You Are Your Own Worst Enemy, You'll Never Win The Fight

(Warning! Rant rating: Extremely high)

Those that know me well are probably surprised that I haven't ranted sooner. Or perhaps they see every entry as a rant? Anyway, this is what I'm acknowledging is a rant. Brace yourselves.

I'm bored of being The One After The One That Fucked Him Over. It's like a Friends episode but less funny. I'm not the only girl who feels like this but I am the one who is going to vocalise just how unfair it is on us.

I seem to meet guys, lovely guys not dickheads, whose attitudes towards relationships have been jaded by their previous girlfriends. I come in to their lives just after the One that cheated on him/rinsed him of all his money/swore at his mother in front of the whole family and neighbours at his parents' ruby wedding anniversary celebration. And then it's me that pays for that One's shitty behaviour. The way in which I must pay for Her behaviour seems to be universal; he is non-committal (after a brief period of wooing). Now, this is fine. Well, it's not fine but what I mean to say is that I'm not going to force anyone to get over feeling wronged or hurt sooner than they are ready to. The "grieving" period is so important and I'm respectful of that, goodness knows it's taken me far longer than other people deem it healthy to get over some of my encounters. You can't put a time on feelings and nobody can question them. But Boys, once you're over it please don't assume that I'm going to behave or make you feel as She did. I'm not going to cheat on you/rinse you of your money/swear at your mother or any other family member and here's for why; I'm not Her.

I'm not being unsympathetic, please don't misunderstand me. I'm always understanding when I hear the "I'm not ready for anything serious yet" line. I'm not one to railroad any guy in to something he's not ready for as that wouldn't be a healthy relationship from the off. You don't have to be Columbo to work that one out. I always try to be as poised as possible, remaining composed and not revealing just how much I feel hurt/cross at his actions, not screaming, "You're pissing away the best thing for you right now!". (I don't mean I'm the best thing, I mean the "thing" we had.) And I know after only a few weeks, shouting that at him may sound a little (/a lot) demented but it's not as intense as it seems when written - if everything else is working at the time, if we can talk and laugh and get on wonderfully, it's a shame the things that are breaking it all is Her actions and his hesitation from feelings of past.

I don't go through my relationships thinking that the person I'm with at the time will do to me what the previous occupiers of that role did. If I did think like that then none of my relationships would ever work... Oh, wait, I'm single. Jesting aside, I learn something from all my relationships but the lesson learned is about myself not about the next guy I get involved with and how to punish him for how someone else made me feel and how he fucked me over. You see, If I did, I'd assume that every future partner would do, amongst other things, one of the following; have me as his "other woman" for years (without me knowing I'm his mistress), shag a prostitute in Amsterdam on his best mate's stag do and not tell me until almost a year later when we've broken up or lie to me at ever opportunity, even about his parents who I've met several times. And the worst yet; leave me feeling so rejected, disillusioned and so broken that even breathing hurts (I know this sounds melodramatic but you've all been dumped out of the blue after a long term relationship and are acquainted with that feeling, right?). I would have serious trust issues if I allowed the behaviour of my past boyfriends to influence my future relationships. That would be absurd, almost as absurd as their actions. I know you agree with me, Boys - for this reason you must realise you should let go and stop unintentionally making the next girl feel inadequate for something she has no control over; your insecurity.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I haven't shat on someone in the past (not literally. I'd charge for that request!) so I'm not perfect, not by an stretch of even the most vivid imagination. I hurt someone quite badly. I didn't do anything terrible - prostitutes in Amsterdam aren't my thing - I fell out of love and ended the relationship when he was still very much in love with me. No doubt I handled the break-up situation extremely badly but it was a long time ago and I learned from that too. I don't intend to hurt people, any person in my life, in any capacity. I do everything I can to avoid hurting other people, perhaps hurting myself in the process but at least I spare them the badness, eh? And no doubt the girl after me in the break-up I handled badly paid for my actions to some extent. Poor soul.

I vowed to myself (after The One That Very Deliberately Embarrassed Me Beyond Repair In Front Of Our Mutual Friends) that I would go in to everything with a clean slate. Nobody should have to go through emotional punishment for someone else's, or my, actions and reactions. So I throw myself in to every potential or new relationship and friendship with a renewed sense of optimism and enthusiasm. Everybody gets 100% of my trust and 100% of me. And I refuse to assume they will abuse either of those things. So please don't assume it of me. And don't assume it of yourselves, Boys. If you don't think that you'll want to hurt me in some way then you're forbidden to assume you're going to unless you know for certain you will. It's up to me where I place my trust and what I decide to get myself in to so don't stop it happening. You know what they say about assumption.

I'd be lying if I said this rant hasn't been prompted by some recent events but this isn't actually aimed at anybody in particular. Far from it. Having spoken to a friend this morning who finds herself in a similar situation to the one I'm in, I realise this is a common occurrence. We're both the One that because of the Boy's past experience with girls he's not willing to take the chance on, the One he's scared of hurting and being hurt by, the One whose company he really enjoys, can talk to about everything and feels a "connection" of sorts with but is unwilling to take the risk on. And all those factors are things we cannot control or have any sway over at all as they have nothing to do with us as people. Shit biscuits!

Boys, no actually, Boys and Girls, don't not do something because you're worried about what may be in six months or a year or next week even. You'll never do anything then except mosey through life. We've all been burned and some of us worse than others but that doesn't mean we can't go in to everything with open eyes, open minds and open hearts. (Oh shit, I'm sounding a bit "Lifestyle Coach" here!)

To quote a great lyricist again (the second of the title's is one of hers too), Cheryl Cole sang, "All you can do is make the best of it now, can't be afraid of the dark." Ok, I was being sarcastic when I said she was one of the greatest lyricists for she didn't actually write the song but it makes sense, doesn't it? Live for the now and don't worry about the future for it's coming whether you prepare for it or not.
Feel the fear and do it anyway - your life will be enriched for it, I promise.

Rant over. As you were... x